Author Archive

• 06.20.08

  Obama Unveils Bacon for America Initiative

  Political experts speculated that the reason Michelle Obama hosted The View this week was to reintroduce her to a political audience after withering Republican attacks on her image and patriotism. In fact, Mrs. Obama’s appearance on The View marked the beginning of a new publicity campaign on behalf of Senator Obama’s newest initiative, Bacon for America.

  While hosting The View, Mrs. Obama took pains to mention that, “We are bacon people,” adding that, “Barack always eats all the bacon.” Republicans were quick to suggest that Mrs. Obama was exaggerating the candidate’s love for bacon.

  “Clearly, Senator Obama really doesn’t love bacon as much as he should,” said McCain spokesman Daniel Greenberg. “If he did, he would clearly show the signs that mark a regular bacon eater—clogged arteries, obesity, and a deep and abiding love for Jesus, I mean America.”

  Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton dismissed criticisms of Bacon for America, saying the candidate’s new initiative was deeply personal.

  “Obama just loves bacon,” Burton told reporters at a press conference in front of Applebee’s, where bacon is served at

• 06.12.08

  No More Dap for Blacks

  Once, 125th street ran with the dull thud of black men giving each other fist pounds as they greeted each other in friendship. Now, all that can be heard is that regular city noise you generally hear in New York, and maybe some Reggae music.

  “Me and my friends don’t even give each other pounds anymore,” said Darryl Wilkins, a 24 year old bank teller. “We just kind of nod at each other.”

  Millions of white people saw presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama give his wife a fist pound before his victory speech last week, and decided to greet each other in a similar manner. As a result, black Americans across the country have eschewed the gesture in protest.

  “What, I’m supposed to greet my homie the way Senator Feinstein (D-CA) and Senator Hutchinson (R-TX) greet each other? I don’t think so,” Wilkins added as he shook his head.

  Some black leaders are trying to preserve the pound, pointing to its long and fruitful association with the black community. The Rev. Al Sharpton has suggested the Federal

• 06.04.08

  Obama Foils Own Assassination Attempt

  Barack Obama single-handedly disarmed a dangerous assailant at a campaign appearance in San Juan last week.

  The would-be assassin, a disgruntled Clinton supporter angry about Florida delegates not being seated, was distracted when the Illinois Senator began flailing his arms wildly before suavely kicking him in the nuts and then pushing him to the floor, bending his arm behind his back.

  “I may not know Karate, but I know Ka-razy,” Obama reportedly said as he thrust his knee into the small of the assassins’ back, pinning him to the ground.

  The Senator was left unprotected at the rally because he had sent his Secret Service detail to pick up a case of Black Forest Berry Honest Tea.

  The Obama Camp said the incident removed any further rationale Clinton might have for staying in the race. Clinton had previously referenced the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. while arguing that nomination fights have often gone into June.

  “What’s she waiting for now, alien abduction?” Obama adviser David Axelrod taunted, the dust from his mustache blinding several nearby reporters.

  Obama’s opponents quickly jumped