Archive for the 'News' Category

• 06.12.09

  History To Republicans: I’m not on your side anymore!

  After observing the almost fatal collapse of the United States government, and the passionate contentious election in 2008, History finally made it’s decision on which party it will join forces with.

  In a statement released to History professors all over the country, History made clear that it will no longer side with the Republican Party.

  “I’m fed up with them! Republicans are making me look bad,” said History. “Hey, I assisted in helping Republicans end slavery, I even brought down that damn wall Reagan needed me to do, and this is what I get.  First Bush, then Rush, now Cheney? Oh, hell no!”

  Immediately, Republican Chairman Michael Steele put out statement. “ We are sad to see History leave our coalition, but we do not need History on our side. We have already made History with my being elected Chairman of the RNC.”

  History responded quickly, “Please, you think I’m gonna pass on siding with the first African American President of the United States? Now that’s called making real history…some would even call it historic…go figure.”

  After plummeting approval ratings, analysts

• 06.07.09

  Bin Laden Mulls Variety Show Format for Future Audio Tapes

  The success of President Obama’s outreach to the Muslim world has seemingly reached a tipping point. In the face of what appears to be unstoppable momentum towards reconciliation between East and West, Osama Bin Laden, the longtime Al-Qaeda figurehead, is reportedly exploring the possibility of a career in broadcasting.

  “Since releasing his first audio tape, Osama’s love of broadcasting has only increased,” says a publicist who spoke on behalf of Bin Laden. “NBC’s upcoming Leno/Conan lineup clearly indicates the late night variety show format is on fire, and let’s face it, the poignancy of the anti-American message is beginning to fade. So Osama sees this as an exciting new opportunity to take his broadcasting career to the next level.”

  Intelligence officials say that production of the new program is in an advanced stage of development. So much in fact, that a copy of an early pilot has said to have been delivered to the Al-Jazeera network for review. A purported partial copy of a transcript of this pilot was recently sent to Blackline, and is printed below.

  [Audience

• 06.03.09

  Despite Sagging Economy, “Hook-Ups” Thrive

  As the major stock indexes continue to hover near multi-year lows, one segment of the economy has risen above this economic downturn. “Hook-ups,” the informal currency of the nation’s urban centers, has become for many a currency more popular than cash.

  Ronald Burke, a car wash attendant in Atlanta, Georgia says that in lieu of tips he has begun to operate almost exclusively on a “hook-up” basis. “You know I used to get fellas coming through all the time dropping me a 10, or a 20, sometimes even a 50 [dollar bill] if they wanted to impress a lady. Now these doods come through asking if they can hit me back later. I got mad at first, but then I started telling them to just hook it up when I need them to.”

  Burke says he was initially skeptical, but later realized the benefits of the new system. “Now I got the hookup everywhere. My boy Big Mike down at Subway just hooked me up with a $5 foot long for the job I did on his