Bin Laden Mulls Variety Show Format for Future Audio Tapes

The success of President Obama’s outreach to the Muslim world has seemingly reached a tipping point. In the face of what appears to be unstoppable momentum towards reconciliation between East and West, Osama Bin Laden, the longtime Al-Qaeda figurehead, is reportedly exploring the possibility of a career in broadcasting.

“Since releasing his first audio tape, Osama’s love of broadcasting has only increased,” says a publicist who spoke on behalf of Bin Laden. “NBC’s upcoming Leno/Conan lineup clearly indicates the late night variety show format is on fire, and let’s face it, the poignancy of the anti-American message is beginning to fade. So Osama sees this as an exciting new opportunity to take his broadcasting career to the next level.”

Intelligence officials say that production of the new program is in an advanced stage of development. So much in fact, that a copy of an early pilot has said to have been delivered to the Al-Jazeera network for review. A purported partial copy of a transcript of this pilot was recently sent to Blackline, and is printed below.

[Audience Applause]

Bin Laden: Thank you, thank you. You are much too kind. It’s great to be broadcasting from this undisclosed location. Man, everyone’s got an undisclosed location these days.

They say they recently found a coffin inside of former vice president Cheney’s undisclosed location. Did anyone hear about this? This is a big news story in America.

The Washington, D.C. Police Department was about to open a murder investigation but they were able to contact Cheney who explained that it was just his old bed.

[laughter]

Boulos (Band Leader): That’s a big news story in America huh?

Bin Laden: Yes Boulos, I’m surprised no one has heard about it.

[Boulos continues to laugh]

Bin Laden: Ha ha! eeeeeeeee.

Boulos: eeeeeeee.

Bin Laden: Man it was hot out there in Kabul today.

Boulos: Oh yeah?

Bin Laden: Yeah, it was really hot. It was so hot, that a couple guys were martyred today, got to paradise, and instead of asking for 72 virgins, they said they’d settle for 72 virgin daiquiris.

[laughter]

Bin Laden: It was that hot… Death to America!

[continued laughter]

Boulos: You always get that in there don’t you?

Bin Laden: Yes, yes. No but I kid. I love America. America is the only place where the president can torture anyone he wants, the vice president can shoot people in the face in broad daylight, a man can murder a doctor at church because he says it will please God, and we’re still the terrorists!

[laughter]

Bin Laden: Am I right?

[continued laughter and applause]

Bin Laden: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Mahmoud Zahar of Hamas will be joining us.

[applause]

Bin Laden: Mohammed Omar from the Taliban will be here.

[applause]

Bin Laden: And, the star of the upcoming film “Land of the Lost,” Will Ferrell will be here to talk about his new movie. All of that coming up.

[musical interlude and commercial break]

Bin Laden: And we’re back. Joining us first on the program tonight, one of the funniest people alive, ladies and gentlemen Will Ferrell.

[Will Ferrell enters]

Bin Laden: How are you doing, sir?

Ferrell: I’m good, I’m good. Man loving the Middle East.

Bin Laden: Oh yeah? Was this undisclosed location hard to find?

Ferrell: Not at all. I got in a cab at the airport. The driver asked me where I wanted to go, and I said “I don’t know”. Then he took me right here.

[laughter]

Ferrell: I’d give former vice president Cheney directions, but he’d probably waterboard me for not planning a route through Iraq.

[laughter]

Bin Laden: Everyone’s got a Cheney joke!

Ferrell: That’s right!

Bin Laden: So tell us a little bit about the film.

Ferrell: OK, it’s called “Land of the Lost,” and basically I play a scientist who ends up stuck in a strange tropical world where time doesn’t exist, and there’s a mysterious army on the rampage looking to imprison us.

Bin Laden: So it takes place at Guantanamo?

[laughter]

Ferrell: You are funny!

Bin Laden: Thank you! So you’ve brought a clip with you, do you want to set it up?

Ferrell: So in this scene, me and a fellow scientist are at a tourist attraction and cause an explosion which takes us to the Land of the Lost.

Bin Laden: How many people did you kill?

Ferrell: No one.

Bin Laden: So what was the explosion for?

Ferrell: It was a mistake.

Bin Laden: OK, this film already doesn’t seem very realistic. I mean all you have to do is lace the bomb with a little plutonium-238 and you’ve got yourself a beautiful dirty bomb.

Ferrell: The film isn’t about terrorism, it’s a summer action/comedy film. You know just a fun little diversion.

Bin Laden: So would you say you’re declaring a Jihad on boredom?

Ferrell: Well, I don’t know if I’d say that…

Bin Laden: I’m just kidding you man!

[laughter]

Bin Laden: OK, here’s a clip from “Land of the Lost” which starts Friday in the US, and opens in Kabul in the summer of 2011.

[Transcript fragment ends here]

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