Aging Artist Must Get Hip Replacement or Loose Funk, Report

After news of hit-making musician Prince refusing necessary hip replacement surgery based on his Jehovah’s Witness religious beliefs, the US FBBI (Federal Bureau of Black Investigations) has released a foreboding report on the effects this decision might have on the famed artist’s funk.

“The authenticity of funk is generally proportional to the agility of one’s groove,” says Professor Anita Mayfield, Dean of Funkology at the Funkadelic Institute, one of the consultants on the report. “Every funk scholar is clear on the fact that groove is all in the hips.” Professor Mayfield says the report was drafted not to be damning or a challenge to the singer’s religion, which firmly frowns on blood transfusions, an essential step in the double-hip replacement surgery. “We wanted a clear record of the effects the loss of Prince’s hips would have on African American culture and morale.” The picture is not pretty. While the report does not predict a complete loss it projects a loss of funk to black culture of at least 15%.

“That’s a shame man,” says Little Ray Brown, aspiring singer on the corner of Lexington and 125th street in Harlem, “How that man suppose to make love to the guitar with no hips? It’s impossible.” Brown suggests Prince consider fixing one hip, less blood to transfuse. “Least that way he can slide up against the thing slow or something.”

While the FBBI report claims to have much empirical data to support its assertions, some Prince supporters refuse to buy into its findings. “How exactly do you loose funk?” asks Joseph, an avid fan waiting in line to purchase Prince’s latest release, the well-received “LotusFlow3r.”

“I mean this man put Kirstie Alley on an album and it was still funky!”

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